Over the last few weeks and months I've really been thinking about the day to day things that I struggle with. Not just as a person, but as a husband, a friend, a son, a brother...and in every other facet of my life. I find myself questioning whether or not I'm actually being me, or if I'm being the person that I think everyone around me wants me to be.
I know a few weeks ago I typed a blog about the person we are when we are safe in our home as opposed to the person we are when not in our "safe zone." At that point I really wanted to go much deeper into my thoughts/feelings but I held back. Why? Well it's quite simple. As of recent, I've had members of my immediate and extended family come across my blog...be it on their own, or from someone telling them. And while it could be a great thing...it makes me a bit more cautious.
I immediately started thinking about all the blogs that I've written, and what was in them. When I first started my blog it was merely a way for me to "journal." And for the longest time I wasn't sure that anyone was actually reading my daily rants. But as my audience has grown, it was only a matter of time before people found out about it. Even with that being said, I still wasn't ready for this. There is some comfort in knowing that most people that read your blog don't really know who you are. And because of that, it doesn't feel intrusive to let your readers into some very personal parts of your life if you choose to do so.
I struggle on a daily basis with myself as a person. For many years I was not confident, I didn't see any worth in myself or the things I did. But I managed to put on a front for everyone around me...and I managed to fool quite a few people. And to a certain extent, those feelings are still in me. As a husband, I know that I'm far from perfect. I have my "REAL Housewife" persona, and everything looks rosy to all those around me. But it's not been an easy road. When you enter into a marriage, you enter into a relationship with not only your partner, but with their friends and their family. I've struggled with the relationship I have with my own family, so things only compounded the day we said, "I do."
I am a person with quite firm boundaries, and along with those boundaries comes a person who is not afraid to voice their opinions when they are being breached. That can be hard for people to get used to. When Michael and I first moved in together, one of my biggest boundaries was the kitchen. This isn't something that he was used to. And it can be comical when two people attempt to navigate the boundaries and which ones will give and which ones won't. This one for me...doesn't budge. While I do believe that the kitchen is the heart of the home, I consider it my "office." And I don't particularly care for other people being in there, much less cooking.
Over the past few years Michael and I have weathered the stormy seas that are "parental acceptance." For gay couples things can get tricky. I went through a lot of hard times with my own father when it came to acceptance of having a gay son. And together Michael and I had to struggle for acceptance when it came to our relationship. When there is all this doubt and judgement cast, its hard for a person to hold their head up high and feel good about themselves. I honestly don't think I've fully recovered, and I know that it's a long road that I'm currently trying to get down.
Over the past few years I've found myself putting on my "happy face," when it came to dealing with my day to day life. Trying hard to be the person everyone around me wanted and expected. I tried to be gracious, I tried to be genuine, I tried to be loving. But while I was trying hard to be all these things, inside things were festering. And as well all know, when things finally come to a head...it can be a "not so fun time."
I've felt pressure from all sides when I started to push back and reclaim my boundaries. When I'm not allowed to speak my mind when I'm hurt or angry...things fester even more. I can be a very loving and giving person, but I can also be someone who when pushed to a point...can take a very long time to allow someone back into my life. And while others may not understand or necessarily agree with it...it is the way that I am.
Over the past month or so I've attempted to censor myself when it comes to my blogging. And as of today, that is stopping. I am Brian. I have a loving, funny, gracious, caring, hard working side. But I also have a sensitive, hurt, angry, scared and just trying to make it through the day side as well. And my blog started out as a way for me to tackle things from both sides, and that is what it will continue to be. I can no longer sit here and question whether or not something will offend others, I have to say what I feel. (OMG...the song from Golden Girls just came to mind...."I have to say what I feel...Miami has so much appeal. A great place to get a seafood meal.....Miiiiiiaaaammmmiiiiii.") Do you see how my brain works?! Scary isn't it! LOL
So...here we go. Are you all ready for me to get back to who I really am as a blogger...and a person?? I am.