Monday, December 5, 2011

World AIDS Day...

I've been going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to share this blog post. But I realized that in order to be The REAL Housewife of Snohomish County I need to share some rather personal things so I not only seem amazing and glamorous all the time, but also REAL. This post is about as real as it gets. AIDS is something that has touched almost everyone in some way, shape or form. And I don't think that we are doing enough to raise awareness fully. This blog post is actually a journal entry from the first year that I moved here from Honolulu, that was entitled, "Shaken to the Core."

I'll never forget that night. I saw you from across the club. So many thoughts running through my mind. So many things I wanted to do and say. I shyed away from you for fear of rejection. But to my delight, you came up to me and told me I was cute. I blushed and turned and when I turned back you were gone. I found you outside and my friends dragged you over to me. Talk about being in a fishbowl with everyone watching us. We exchanged numbers, you told me you'd call me. And before you walked away, you leaned in a kissed me. I kissed you back, but not too long, I wanted to leave you wanting more.

You called me the next night as I was at home watching Sharkweek on Discovery Channel. I invited you over and you accepted. I felt so many things, nervousness, excitement, fear. But you got to my apartment and were cuter than I'd remembered. We talked, laughed and you spent the night.

I was very honest and open with you. I told you that I was leaving in less than a month, so I was in no position to start a relationship. You thanked me for my honesty and said that even knowing that you wanted to just spend as much time with me as you could before I left. You wanted to be a part of my life. And you succeeded. We were inseparable. We shared many meals, many laughs and many nights in my bed. I felt so lucky to have someone so cute, so sweet and so innocent to spend my time with. I was worried about you though. You told me you were in the Reserves and were being deployed to Iraq in the fall. This scared me, thinking about someone that I am starting to care about being sent to war. I couldn't bear to think about it.

As I prepared to move things got more and more difficult. I saw the hurt in your eyes. I saw the pain on your face even when you tried to smile. It broke my heart because I had already started to care about you, more than I wanted to admit. You tried to push me away twice, but always pulled me back in just wanting more time with me. Until the night before I left, and things went bad. I understood how you were pushing me out of your life, but I was so hurt. So I gave you what you wanted. And my last night with you was one filled with anger and resentment and hurt.

Over the past six months we've kept in touch. It's been rocky for us because I knew you still cared about me, and I for you. So there was always an underlying tension whenever we did chat. We would go for a week or so with things being fine...then we'd fight and everything would get quiet and we'd not talk for a while. I could tell a lot was bothering you, but you'd never really tell me what it was. I just took it as you being young and in lust.

I was excited the day you told me that you weren't being deployed to Iraq. A sigh of relief on my end, and I never questioned why when you said there was a change of plans. I don't know much about the service, so I just thought it was luck.

We continued to chat, and I had to continue to hide some of my feelings. The feelings of excitement I had from living in a new place, starting a new life, and meeting new people. I couldn't tell you about the dates I went on, or the guys that I found cute, because I knew it would hurt you. I knew you'd be angry and upset that I wasn't so hurt by not being with you that I would stay single. Again, I chalked that up to you being so young and in lust.

Three days ago I confessed to you why I was going through a rough time the last month and a half. And this prompted you to confess something to me...

Here I sit, three days later, and I still lose my breath every time I think about our chat over IM.

You told me you were positive. And that you knew almost two months before you met me.

I wanted to believe that you were still just angry with me for leaving, and that this was some sick twisted joke. Some childish scheme to get back at me and hurt me. But the more you talked, the more I realized that this wasn't a joke.

I got up and ran to the bathroom, and for the first time since I was in 4th grade, I vomited.

I asked you how you got it, and you said it was from your ex. The same ex that gave you that scar on your face, the scar on your arm, and the scar on you back. He sounds like such a nice guy.

In the past three days I've cried, a lot. I thank God that all my results came back negative two weeks ago when I went in and got tested. My body still goes numb and I lose my breath whenever I think about this. In the matter of seconds a flood of different emotions course through my veins. I get angry, I can't believe that you could do this to me. That you could take MY life in YOUR hands. I can't believe you'd put me at such a risk. Then in a split second my heart breaks. It breaks for you. You are 22 years old, and your life is now changed forever. And I think about the tough road that you have ahead of you. And then in another split second I get angry again, thinking about how this could be ME! This could be ME who's life is changed forever because someone didn't tell me they were positive!

I've done a lot of crying, and I know it will continue for a while. I have friends who tell me, "Your tests were negative. You're fine, fuck him, what are you worried about?" But its not that easy. I feel so many things, and I have every right to feel these things. My faith and trust in people is gone right now. I feel like I'll question every person from now on, wondering what they are hiding from me.

In a messed up way, you opened my eyes. You've made me realize that people aren't always who they seem. And you never know when people are hiding something.

As I sit here typing this my body feels numb and my eyes are filled with tears. And I wonder when the feeling will come back and the tears will fade away. Until that time, if it ever does come, I will thank God that I have an angel on my shoulder. And I'll also ask that He sends one to you to help you through what is going to be a tough road.
 I've learned that people aren't always who they say they are, that they'll leave things out or lie to your face when they want something. I've been lucky enough to have found someone who loves me more than anything in this world. And while we still have our ups and downs nothing shakes us to the core like this. I was lucky. I was lucky that I also followed the old saying, "If you are gonna go out in the rain, wear a raincoat." So I shouldn't have been so surprised that my tests all came back negative, but this just hit so close to home and really shook me. I hope that this blog post wasn't too REAL for some people, I hope that it opens some eyes and makes you realize that this COULD happen to you, NO ONE is immune from it...NO ONE.

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